Just when you thought this newsgroup couldn't possibly get any sillier...

Yes folks, the ultimate X-Files/ATXF crossover is here!


Part One

Written by Hugh, from an idea by Ingrid

The X-Files, Mulder and Scully are of course copyright to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, etc. All other characters are fictional and any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No really.

Night. The dim light from stars and moon shows a grassy paddock and a couple of trees. Towards the horizon are visible the brightly lit windows of a house. The only sounds are those of a quiet country area: insects and an occasional soft owl hoot. The caption at the bottom of the screen reads:
11:45 PM

Two flashlight beams become visible, picking a path through the trees. The camera closes in and we see Mulder and Scully.

SCULLY: This is the right place?

MULDER: I think so. Look.

His flashlight picks out a small group of cows standing placidly in the paddock.

COW: Mooooo.

Back to Mulder and Scully. They've stopped walking.

SCULLY: This is what we came to find?

MULDER: The only herd of Frisians in the state.

SCULLY: And you expect these to be the next cows stolen?

MULDER: Not stolen, Scully. Abducted.

Scully gives him The Look.

SCULLY: Abducted.

MULDER: Yes, abducted. In all four previous incidents unexplained bright lights were seen in the sky. The grass showed signs of exposure to intense heat, and there were no tire marks or other evidence of any human vehicle. Characteristics reported in over ninety percent of alien abduction cases.

SCULLY: And why would aliens abduct cows?

MULDER: That's what we're here to find out...

An intense, high pitched humming sound. A bright point of light appears just above the cows. A glowing bubble of light expands out, surrounding the cows, Mulder, and Scully.

MULDER: Scully!

SCULLY: I...can't....move...

Brief flash of brilliant light.

Bright daylight. The cows are standing on an unpaved road leading through light forest. Mulder and Scully are half sitting, as if they had just fallen. A small wooden barrow of fruit and vegetables is overturned in the road next to them and a half dozen bewildered villagers in ancient costume are slowly backing away from them.

Mulder gets to his feet and walks towards one of the villagers.

MULDER: Hello?

The villager runs away from him.


He grabs the arm of another villager. The man struggles for a moment, cannot break Mulders grip, and turns to face him.

MULDER: I won't hurt you.

Scully joins Mulder, straightening her jacket and looking around with a puzzled expression.

MULDER: Where are we?

GENE: Scotland, strangers.

MULDER: Scotland?

GENE: That's what I said.

SCULLY: You sound more like somebody from New Zealand.

An expression of shock appears on Genes face as he sees something behind Mulder and Scully. He runs. So do the other villagers.

Cut to a band of thugs in leather armour and armed with clubs and swords who have just come into view.

HEAD THUG: The strange man and woman what we're supposed to look for! Kill them!

The band charges forward, yelling.

Mulder and Scully draw their guns and point them at the onrushing horde.

MULDER: Federal agents! Stop!

They continue to charge.

MULDER: Stop, or we'll shoot!

They keep coming.

Mulder and Scully each try to shoot, but pulling the trigger produces only faint clicking sounds. Zoom in on their horrified faces as the thugs come closer.


Heroic bagpipe music. Long panoramic shot of rolling hills and forests, with one very small figure moving in the distance.

NARRATOR: A long time ago, a newsgroup in turmoil cried out for a hero.

We see that the figure is a venerable old man jogging along in an outfit reminiscent of Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

NARRATOR: He was Trevor, Warrior Philosopher.

The camera slowly tracks across the landscape, suddenly stopping and zooming in on greaves being strapped on a pair of female legs. A battleaxe and horned helmet lie on the ground beside.

NARRATOR: Ahem. *Trevor* possessed knowledge of weapons and grammar unmatched by mortal man.

The camera quickly pans back to Trevor. We see he has an assortment of swords slung over his back and an Oxford dictionary in his hand.

NARRATOR: He chose to use his powers for good, not for evil.

The camera drifts away to a leather and metal shirt being buckled up over an athletic female body.

NARRATOR: Wherever there was poor writing, wherever a newbie without language skills, there would be *Trevor*!

The camera quickly pans back to a heroic closeup of Trevor.

NARRATOR: With the aid of the Valkyrie Ingrid he travelled the earth, battling the minions of the Mispelt One.

The camera turns back to Ingrid, now fully armoured and wearing a horned helmet, swinging a battleaxe through a complex figure of eight pattern.

NARRATOR: Creating a legend that would live for eternity.

Montage sequence of Trevor battling foes, pointing out passages in the dictionary to youngsters, and examining pairs of false teeth.

The music closes with a triumphant flourish.

Back to the thugs charging Mulder and Scully.

TREVOR (off screen): Hai-Ya!

Trevor and Ingrid burst into the scene. A brief melee ensues.

Camera on Trevor. His thug opponent charges up with a long straight sword in one hand.

TREVOR: Aha, a knights bastard sword.

He draws an almost identical weapon from the assortment on his back. The thug makes a clumsy thrust with the sword, which Trevor dodges.

TREVOR: Look at the tip lad, that's no thrusting weapon! Watch, the extra length of hilt is used to swing two handed. (WHACK) Like that.

Camera on Ingrid. She is skipping and swinging her battle axe in time to the soundtrack, and counting beats to herself.

INGRID: Step...step...step two three four. And swing (CRUNCH) two three four...

Camera on Trevor. Another thug does a roundhouse kick, which he calmly avoids. The thug tries again, with the same result. Trevor grimaces.

TREVOR: Good gods, where did you learn that terrible technique? Balance on the left foot, pivot through the hips (THUD) without over stretching!

The thugs have had enough and run or stumble away, leaving the odd weapon in the grass. Trevor and Ingrid look at each other, see no wounds, and turn to Mulder and Scully.

MULDER: Thank you.

SCULLY: Sir, could you tell us where we are?

MULDER: And *when* we are?

TREVOR: This is the Dunsinane valley, in the Year of the Weasel. And who might you be?

SCULLY: I'm FBI agent Dana Scully and this is my partner, agent Mulder.

TREVOR: Agents of Ephebe? You have travelled far indeed.

INGRID: Are these your cows?

MULDER: Not exactly.

INGRID: Then I am honour bound to see them to safety. Trevor, I'll catch up with you.

Ingrid walks to the cows and whistles. The cows all look at her attentively. Ingrid walks briskly away up the road and the cows follow.

Trevor, Mulder, and Scully watch them leave.

SCULLY: I don't recall being taught that Viking warriors took care of cows.

TREVOR (slightly surprised): Why else would they wear those helmets?

Mulder has noticed a discarded shield lying in the grass. He takes a couple of steps towards it.

MULDER: Scully, look at this.

Scully and Trevor join him. The shield lies flat on the ground, made of black wood with a large golden dollar sign painted on it.

TREVOR: You know this sign?

SCULLY: Of course we do.

TREVOR: Fate must have chosen us to be companions. Come, I will lead you.

He marches out of shot. Mulder starts to follow, and looks back at Scully. She shrugs and starts walking.

Long shot, a dark coloured stone castle looming over a hillside. From the highest tower flies a black flag with a golden dollar sign.

Inside the castle courtyard. On a raised wooden platform stands $teve, clearly the chief villain, in black robes, a blood red and black kilt, and wearing a chain about his neck with a gold dollar sign pendant. Lounging in a chair beside him is Annette, in Egyptian royal costume, and at his feet squats Robin Harrison in a slightly tattered medieval jesters outfit.

Before the platform are a dozen or so warriors in red and white leather armour, standing at attention with spears in their hands. In front stands a captain, similarly equipped and with a helmet plumed in red and white.

$teve surveys the warriors with satisfaction.

$TEVE (to Annette): An excellent notion, m'dear. These uniforms look splendid. Have you thought of a name for my elite guards as well?

ANNETTE : The Swans.

$TEVE (disbelieving): Swans?

ANNETTE (slightly defensive): Yes, the Swans.

$TEVE: You can't ask my elite guards to call themselves Swans! Nobody would take them seriously!

ANNETTE (angrily standing): They would too!

$TEVE (equally angry): No! I won't have it!

Annette storms off. $teve is about to say something, but changes his mind. He turns back to the guards.

$TEVE: Captain Ken! Dismiss your men and come with me.

Cut to Trevor, Mulder, and Scully walking along a hillside path. Trevor leads, with Mulder and Scully about five metres behind, talking quietly.

SCULLY: Do you have to encourage him?

MULDER: You're not interested in the Mispelt One, Scully? He may be our only ticket back home.

SCULLY: Someone will have a car we can borrow to get out of here.

MULDER: Scully, our guns don't work, our phones are dead, we haven't seen any vehicles or planes, not so much as a candy bar wrapper. Why won't you accept that we're no longer in the twentieth century?

SCULLY: Because it's ridiculous, Mulder. The cattle thieves must have used a flash grenade of some sort to stun us. While we were unconscious they replaced our ammunition and batteries with blanks and dumped us in this (slight pause) medieval theme park to give themselves time to escape.

MULDER: Why didn't they take the cows?

SCULLY: They probably thought that we'd implanted radio tracking tags and wanted to confuse any pursuit. Mulder, I saw bananas and tomatoes on that cart back there. There weren't any of those in Scotland until after the renaissance.

MULDER: But if some unknown power can bring cows back in time as Trevor has told us, why couldn't the same or similar powers have been used to obtain new crops?

SCULLY: Mulder, you are reasoning backwards from the conclusion to the cause...

Pull back and fade out on Trevor, Mulder and Scully.

Continued in part two